Joke of the Day

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Joke of the Day

Post  [ADMIN] AltusVentus on Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:05 am

2 blondes were working on this house.

One of them, who’s nailing down siding, has been
reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and
either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in.
The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking
into, asks, "Hey—how come you’re throwing half the
nails over your shoulder?"

The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my
pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away
because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the
house, then I nail it in."

"You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails
pointed toward you aren’t defective. They’re for the
other side of the house."

[ADMIN] AltusVentus
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post  [ADMIN] AltusVentus on Tue Jun 15, 2010 12:41 pm

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

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Affairs in order

Post  Comproller on Tue Jun 22, 2010 2:23 pm

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS ." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone."
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.



Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly… on a broomstick. We’re flexible like that.
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